We’re always hearing that we could be having bether sex, a better orgasm, or a better relationship. But how often do we hear the nitty-gritty of how we can actually better understand our deepest desires and most embarrassing questions? Bustle has enlisted Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist, to help us out with the details. No gender, sexual orientation, or question is off limits, and all questions remain anonymous. Because, let’s face it, you know that you deserve the best.
Q: I have never been able to orgasm during sex. Intercourse feels amazing; I particularly like vigorous, deep thrusting. But even when it is as rough as I like it, I never climax. I am fine with not orgasming every time, but it would be nice to have it happen once in a while. Any suggestions? Or is there just something wrong with me.
A: You’re definitely not the only woman struggling with this “problem.” So many women feel clueless about orgasm that I’ve created an entire online course,dedicated to teaching women how to do it! Fortunately, there are plenty of ways to try to increase your chances of reaching your peak. Today, I’m focusing on specific positions to try, and next week, I’ll be back with even more tips and tricks for female orgasm. (Spoiler: Lube is key.)
Every woman is different when it comes to orgasm, but the following five positions are the ones that tend to lead to success the most frequently. Give them each a shot and see which one works best for you.
Girl On Top
How to do it: Have him lie on his back. Climb on top, with one leg on either side of his torso. It’s usually better to focus more on rocking your body back and forth, rather than trying to bob up and down. You can also try grinding your pelvis in slow circles or in a figure-eight motion.
Why it works: Being on top is the most popular position for a lot of women because it gives them complete control over the pace, angle, depth, and level of stimulation. There are a ton of fun variations of this position, making it very versatile. It’s not one of the more intense positions for men, so your partner may be able to last a lot longer than usual, giving you more time to reach your peak.
Variations: Turn around so that you’re facing his feet. This position is called Reserve cowgirl. It offers a pretty spectacular view for him, and gives you a different angle to work with. You can also try asking him to prop his body up a bit, or even sit all the way up. The changing position of his abdominal muscles will give you a variety of surfaces to grind against, and the different angles of his penis will stimulate all kinds of spots inside of you. Try leaning back slightly, which will increase the stimulation of your G-spot. You can also very easily reach down to stroke your clitoris, or ask him to touch it for you. (Since many women can’t orgasm through penetration alone, it’s always good to remember to give yourself a hand!)
How to do it: Get on your hands and knees. Have your partner kneel behind you. He can hold onto your hips while he thrusts away. You can either stay still, or, alternatively, push your hips back against him.
Why it works: doggy style makes for super deep stimulation. Women who are able to orgasm from penetration alone will benefit from the intensity of this position, and from the direct G-spot stimulation. Women who require clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm will find it particularly easy to use their hand or a toy in this position.
Variations: Get down on your elbows to change the angle of penetration. Try using one hand to rub your clit, or have him reach around your body and rub your clitoris for you. You can also have him stand beside the bed while you stay on all fours on top of it. Your bed has to be the right height for this to work, but he’ll be able to thrust much more intensely if he’s standing. Another option is to slowly lower yourself belly first onto the bed. He can either crouch low or lay down on top of you.
Coital Alignment Technique
How to do it: Start off in missionary position, with you on your back and your guy on top of you, between your legs. Have him pull his body up toward your head so that his pelvis is slightly higher up your body than it usually is in traditional missionary. Instead of thrusting in and out, he should focus more on grinding against your pelvis.
Why it works: Despite the clinical-sounding name, this is a great position for a lot of women. Changing the alignment of your pelvis allows for his pubic bone to rub up against your clitoris and deliver the kind of direct stimulation that most women need to reach orgasm. It’s great for women who are shy about trying a bunch of crazy positions, since it’s extremely easy to maneuver into from the traditional missionary. It’s intimate and low-stress at the same time.
Variations: For even more intense contact, try using your hand to spread your labia apart so that his body rubs directly against your clitoris. Or put a pillow under your hips to create a more accessible angle. You can also try using some lube on your clitoris to create an extra-slippery sensation.
How to do it: This is a somewhat complicated position to get into, but it’s well worth the effort! You may want to practice fully clothed to get a sense of where all of your limbs go before attempting it naked. Have him lie on his back with both of his feet flat on the ground. Crouch over him, with one of your legs between his legs, and the other leg on his side. Gently lower yourself to your knees, and use your hand to guide his penis inside of you.
You’ll essentially be straddling one of his knees, turning away from him. For visualization’s sake, let’s imagine that there’s a clock over his body with the 12 at his head. If you’re straddling his right leg, your body will be pointing at about 7:30. If you’re on his left leg, you should be turned toward 4:30. From there, you’re essentially going to rock back and forth, rubbing against his upper thigh and pubic area.
Why it works: This position allows for fantastic grinding action. You get to control the pace, and you get to decide exactly how much pressure gets placed on your clitoris. It’s also a pretty unique position.
Variations: This position is tricky enough, but you can try adjusting the positioning of your legs wider apart or closer together. You can also try leaning back or leaning forward.